We can look back to our childhoods to see where these adaptations may have come from. Once we start to know our patterns, we can trace them back to their roots. We may feel repelled by a loving look or be quick to feel insecure or rejected. We may notice that we have trouble being acknowledged by our partner or that we feel angry when he or she relies on us. We can see how our own defenses systematically operate to ward off love. Where are the stumbling blocks? If the relationship has ended, where did it go wrong? What issues keep/kept coming up? What ways might we be pushing/have pushed love away? What thoughts inspired these actions? What were we telling ourselves the last time we provoked our partner, started a fight, acted coldly, rejected a loved one, refused an invitation, ignored or withheld affection, sloughed off a compliment, etc?Īs we identify the thoughts or “ critical inner voices” that filled our heads on these occasions, we can start to recognize themes and recurring behaviors and begin to identify patterns. We can start by looking at our current or recent relationships. Look at your history – As we delve into the ways we defend against love, it’s helpful to look at our past. Learning to love is a subject I will further explore in my upcoming eCourse, “ Creating Your Ideal Relationship: How to Find and Achieve the Love You Say You Want.” Here are some crucial actions we can take to start breaking down the barriers inside yourself that push love away:ġ. It is in our power to decide who we want to be in our relationship and to act in accordance with that, no matter what our partner does. Even a less-than-perfect relationship can teach us the ways we limit ourselves and help us grow our capacity to love. By being open to how we are resistant to achieving the love we say we want, we empower ourselves to change 100 percent of our half of the dynamic. In any relationship, the only person you can control is yourself. Whether it’s a worry of stirring up a past hurt or a re-creation of our childhood that’s at play, it will benefit us to gain a deeper understanding of our less conscious motivations that damage our closest relationships. Many of us feel cheated or victimized by circumstance, while failing to see that our biggest obstacle is how we get in our own way. Having this problem may seem hard to relate to at first, since most of us claim that we want love in our lives. The fear of intimacy isn’t a problem without a solution, but finding a solution means identifying that there is a problem. The first step to not acting on our fears is to recognize that we have them. How can we overcome our fears of intimacy to find and maintain the love we so desire? Here, I will address what we can do about it. In my previous blog, I explored why we do this. Almost every one of us can relate to at least a couple of the ways we defend ourselves, self-protect and self-sabotage when it comes to love. Robert Firestone’s theory of the “ fear of intimacy” and was heavily inspired by more than 30 years of examples of clients, co-workers, friends, family members and countless individuals I’ve encountered across the world who’ve opened up to me about their relationship struggles. Who isn’t on some level fearful or resistant to, not just falling in love, but living in love? The blog itself was based on my father Dr. At first, I was surprised at this response, but then I thought about the prevalence of the subject matter. I recently wrote a blog titled “ 7 Reasons Most People are Afraid of Love.” Within hours, the post had tens of thousands of reads and thousands of social media shares – numbers that would double and triple over the next couple days.
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